


Learning

by MagicalDragon



Series: Queer Headcanon Fics [8]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gay Poe Dameron, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Movie: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, deprogramming, since the first order are fascists so finn is unlearning a lot of shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21996622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalDragon/pseuds/MagicalDragon
Summary: Finn knows, vaguely, the way you know it when someone is looking at you, that Poe is in love with him.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: Queer Headcanon Fics [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1209288
Comments: 18
Kudos: 413





	Learning

Finn knows, vaguely, the way you know it when someone is looking at you, that Poe is in love with him.

It had taken him a while to catch on. First of all, he needed to realise that gay people were one of those subjects where the First Order had taught him one thing, but the truth was another. He had been taught to look down on them for being sick and unproductive, just as he had been taught to look down on other species for being savage. Stormtroopers were not encouraged to fall in love in the first place, regardless of gender figuration, but when they had the time to let off steam after a battle, sex between men and women was accepted, but sex between men and men or women and women decidedly was not. Additionally, while it was not encouraged, if a man and woman did find themselves in love, they would be allowed to have a relationship on the condition that they produce a child and hand it over to the First Order to be raised in the same organised nightmare they had been raised in.

He had realised the vileness of what he had been taught in the worst way possible.

Finn and Poe had been eating their lunch together, not long after they had first set up base on Ajan Kloss. They'd been joking about an officer they both found aggravating for his particular nature.

“Someone should help him get that stick out his ass,” Poe said. 

“Yeah, but he’d probably enjoy that,” Finn joked. 

Finn was busy with his food, so it took a moment before he realised how quiet Poe had gone. When he looked up, he’d found Poe stone-faced. Finn could tell he had went wrong somewhere, though not where or how. Poe had considered him for a long while before he spoke again.

"And would that be so wrong?" he finally asked.

Finn stammered a bit. Someone called for Poe, and he got up and left Finn sitting there, trying to figure out what had happened. Which was rather difficult for him to do on his own, but he didn’t know who to ask. Poe was who he usually trusted enough to ask the things he probably shouldn't have to ask, like "Wookiees don't  _ really  _ eat other species, right? That's First Order propaganda?" 

However, it was clear Poe was upset with him, and so Finn found himself being careful around him in a way he never had before, trying his utmost not to alienate the first friend he’d made outside the scraps of it allowed within the Stormtrooper regiments.

Eventually, Rose noticed how quiet he had gone, how much he was holding himself back, and she asked. He hesitated, fearing he would alienate her too, but then he told her what had happened. She had looked a bit shocked, but then her expression changed into something unreadable. 

“Poe’s gay, Finn,” she told him, and his world had tilted on its axis. 

He'd never expected to actually meet a gay person, was the thing. It had always been such an abstract concept. Like how you know Hutts exist, but don't expect to encounter one unless you make it your business to go into Hutt space. And Poe… Poe was not what he had been taught a gay man was. Not at all. He was strong and brave and just and everything about him was  _ right _ . If something was a trait of Poe’s, it could not be wrong, for everything about Poe was right all the way through. And of course, as soon as it had been pointed out to him as the First Order nonsense it was, Finn had realised that even had Poe not been one of the most magnificent people he knew, it still wouldn’t have mattered. He was not strong despite his attraction to men, rather, it had no real relationship to his level of strength or bravery or righteousness, and all this now seemed like the most obvious thing to him. 

He sought Poe out after that conversation. Poe was talking to a few of his subordinates, so Finn waited awkwardly nearby till he was done. When Poe spotted him, a wry smile spread on his lips, like nothing was wrong. Finn did his best to follow his lead. 

“What are you hiding back there for?” Poe asked. 

Finn self-consciously stepped closer to Poe.

“I wanted to apologise.”

The smile slowly crept off Poe’s face.

“Oh,” he said. “Do you know what you’re apologising for?”

Finn hesitated, but then said: “I think so.”

Poe waited. 

“Well, you’re… I... “ 

He cleared his throat. 

“We were taught a lot in the First Order that I wish wasn’t still swirling around in my head, but it was all I knew for 23 years…” Finn shrugged helplessly. “It’s hard to know what’s true and what isn’t, when what they told you is what you’ve always known. I don’t know which assumptions are normal and which are theirs.”

Poe smiled ruefully and leaned back on a crate behind him.

“I know, Finn. It’s not your fault.”

“I sound like I’m making excuses, don’t I?” Finn sighed. “I really did want to apologise.”

Poe shrugged, like it didn’t matter to him either way. 

“Then do.”

Finn blinked. 

“Sorry,” he said. 

Poe laughed a bit, stood up, walked over to Finn and clasped his shoulder.

“So long as you don’t say something like that again, I won’t hold it against you,” Poe said with a winning smile and a few friendly pats to said shoulder. 

And that is all there is to it for a while. Poe is gay, Finn is learning. They’re not just friends, but the best of friends. Even with Poe and Rey being so strong-willed that they constantly butt heads and Finn has to play the diplomat, they stay close. There are two people in the world Finn wouldn’t know what to do without, and those two people are Poe and Rey. And with how much time Rey spends with General Organa training in the Force, or talking about the Force, or meditating in the middle of the jungle, there really is mostly him and Poe. 

And… well. 

Finn knows, vaguely, that Poe is in love with him.

At first, he thinks he’s just making assumptions. Just because Poe likes men doesn’t mean he’s in love with Finn, after all. Why would someone be, really? Well, Rose had been, a bit. But he really chalks all that more up to circumstance than anything else, and besides, he hasn’t admitted the horrible thoughts he still sometimes has about others to Rose. Poe knows how broken he is, how petty and how small, much better than anyone else. How could he be in love with someone who had asked him if Twi’leks really were biologically predisposed to be slaves? Poe had told him it was okay to ask, that he was happy to help him make sense of the reality of the world outside the First Order, but even so, even invited as it had been, such admissions were still met with quite a bit of barely hidden disgust. In short: Finn doesn’t like himself very much and so he does not see how someone like Poe could like him enough to be in love with him. It seems ridiculous, even if the glances or smiles Poe sends him sometimes appear to tell a different story. But he realises, slowly, one millimeter at a time, that it might not be quite so ridiculous as he first thought it. 

On her side of things, Rey either hasn’t noticed Finn’s growing love for her or is studiously ignoring it, and for the sake of his dignity if nothing else, Finn really hopes it’s the former. 

Of course, it all crystallises when he almost tells Rey he loves her and Poe reacts with what he means to be teasing but comes off as the genuine annoyance it probably is. Finn has, on some level, know about Poe’s feelings for months at that point, but only then does he truly  _ know  _ it. And he… doesn’t know what to do with it. He ignores it, the way he hopes Rey isn’t ignoring his feelings. To be honest, even had he had the courage to figure out if he should deal with it in some way, he hardly has the time. When they aren’t running or fighting for their lives, he’s worrying about Rey. She’s falling apart and he doesn’t know what to do. As unfair as it is, he doesn’t have the time to worry about Poe, too. 

They make it to Kijimi, Poe used to be a spice runner and Finn is confused. Not just about the spice runner part — though thinking about Poe in  _ that  _ profession sure is mind-boggling enough on its own — but about Zorii Bliss, too. 

“Weren’t you gay?” He asks, when she leaves them in the workshop. He’s going for light-hearted teasing, but he’s not sure he hits it. 

Poe laughs. 

“Very. Zorii’s like a sister. A really annoying one.”

“Oh,” Finn says, feeling dumb. “Sorry.”

Poe glances at him. 

“You know, you’re allowed to mention it,” he says, not without humor. “It’s not a secret and I don’t take offense to any and every mention of it.” 

Finn’s face heats up.

“What’s not a secret?” Rey asks, from where she’s tinkering with a few droid parts — ever the scavenger. 

“That I like men,” Poe says.

Rey doesn’t even look up as she answers. 

“Oh, that. Why would that be a secret?” 

Poe shakes his head in amusement. 

“You know, you’re alright, Rey,” he jokes, but Rey doesn’t really seem to hear him. 

The whole thing almost explodes on Kef Bir. Rey’s crisis is reaching its zenith, as is Poe’s annoyance with her behavior. After they realise she’s run off, they argue and as they argue, they both know what remains unspoken: 

_ Finn, you’re in love with her, that’s why you act like you do.  _

_ Poe, you’re in love with me, that’s why  _ you  _ act like  _ you  _ do.  _

But even as they both know it, it  _ does  _ remain unspoken and Finn is thankful for that. It wouldn’t have been fair. 

Finn runs after her, like he always does, and Poe stays behind. 

Rey leaves him behind, like she always does. 

And they go back to find Leia dead and Poe promoted in her stead. 

Poe handles it all with remarkable stoicism, with the goal-oriented zeal of someone who knows he is righteous, but as soon as they get even a second alone, he starts crying. Finn immediately embraces him. 

“It’s alright, it’s alright…” Finn mumbles into Poe’s hair while he sobs, while, for just a moment, he lets the brave Resistance leader go and lets himself be a grieving son. 

“It’s not,” Poe says. “Finn, nothing about this is alright. Without Leia…” 

He’s overcome by sobs again. 

“I know, I know…” Finn mumbles and rubs Poe’s back. 

Once Poe has finished crying, he stays in Finn’s arms for just a bit longer, hiding his face in the crook of his shoulder, but then he straightens himself and rubs his sleeve over his eyes. Poe takes several deep breaths and takes Finn’s hand. 

“I believe, I really do,” Poe says, after a while, his voice still odd from the crying. “I know that there are more of us than there are of them, I know that empires always fall, eventually, I know that we’ll be able to create a just galaxy one day. I know it can be done, I do. I’m a man of the Resistance through and through. I just… The course seems so much less clear now, without Leia. She was always… she was the one who knew where we were going and how to get there. She created the Resistance, damn it! I… I’m just an idealistic flyboy, at the end of the day.” 

“Poe,” Finn says, with more confidence in his voice than he’s had for years. “You’re so much more than that. Leia wouldn’t have left you in charge if you weren’t. You’re a leader. You’re a damn hero, if you ask me. And you’re the reason I have any hope for the future. You always have been.”

Poe slowly looks up at him.

“I thought that was Rey,” he says quietly. 

Finn does a double take.

“Are we really talking about this? Now?” 

Poe sighs and steps a bit away from him, shaking his head, pulling his hand over his face then through his hair. 

“No, you’re right. Of course you’re right. I need to get my head on straight. We need a plan.”

And just like that, Poe leaves his feelings behind him. It’s remarkable, really, how easily he turns off those parts of him, but it makes Finn sad. This is what the fight has done to Poe, this is what he has gotten for believing in a better world. He has given of himself to make sure others can believe it, too, but what has he ever gotten back? 

The plan is made, and executed, and thought failed till Lando shows up with a fleet of mismatched ships in tow, and Rey has done something she finds difficult to explain afterwards and — miraculously — they win, and Finn hugs his two friends harder that he has ever hugged anyone before. 

The resulting celebration lasts several days — although to be fair, a day is only eight hours on Ajan Kloss — and the three of them find themselves lying in the damp grass as the sun rises for a second time. Rey has fallen asleep, but Finn and Poe are giggly about something inconsequential, until Poe suddenly turns serious. 

“I thought I’d lost you, you know. When I realised you were still on that damn destroyer.”

Poe looks at him like no one else, not even Rey, has ever looked at Finn before. There’s so much anguish in that look, so much fear, but more than anything, there is love. 

Finn reaches out and covers Poe’s hand with his own. 

“I’m right here,” he says, quietly — both because he doesn’t want to wake Rey and because he’s a bit embarrassed. 

Poe looks down at his hand for a bit and a tiny smile spreads on his lips. 

“I know,” he says. “I just couldn’t bear if you died, and I didn’t even get to tell you—” 

Poe stops himself, and removes his hand from under Finn’s. He rolls over on his back and puts both hands under his head. In turn, Finn moves closer to him. 

“Tell me what?” he asks, softly. 

Poe closes his eyes. 

“What were you going to tell Rey?” he asks. 

“What would you like to tell me?” Finn asks. 

“You’re annoying,” Poe says. 

“Really? That’s what you wanted to tell me before I died? That’s cold, Poe.”

Poe throws his head back, rolls his eyes, then sits up. 

“I love you, you son of a bantha!” As soon as it’s out of his mouth, Poe’s eyes widen and he blushes furiously. “You don’t…” Poe forces out a sigh as if he’s annoyed it’s there. “You don’t have to… I know you don’t…”

“How do you know that?” Finn asks, surprising himself with his boldness. 

Poe blinks a few times. 

“You’re in love with Rey,” he says. 

Finn doesn’t dispute that, but he does slide his hand up Poe’s face and through his hair, moves in, and then they’re kissing and it’s wonderful. Finn is winded and confused and full of all types of feelings he doesn’t know the names for, but what he does know, and he has come to know it as slowly as he came to know about Poe’s feelings, is that he loves Poe, too. 

They break apart and they’re both winded. Poe is smiling wildly at him. 

“And this isn’t just…” he throws a glance at Rey, who’s still asleep. “You’re serious about this?”

Finn nods, slowly. 

“I — yeah,” he says. He’s too emotional to say much more, and his voice breaks a bit on the three syllables he does get out.

Poe smiles wider and kisses him again. 

And, well… life goes on. No one is really surprised to find that Poe and Finn are in a relationship now. Rey congratulates them with no sign that she has ever known Finn was interested in her at all and Finn finds himself letting the thought go. He still loves her, he always will, but he no longer longs for something different from what they have. 

Rey leaves for Tatooine not long after the celebration, saying something about Luke Skywalker’s childhood home. Poe is similarly restless and soon after Rey leaves, they do too. They’ve won, but Poe has been fighting for so long that he doesn’t believe it. There are still parts of the First Order left, and Poe goes after them, and Finn goes where Poe does. Has done, ever since they were reunited and Poe told him to keep that jacket. Now, though… Now the love they feel for each other is spoken and acted and felt every step along the way. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to thebearmuse for beta-ing!


End file.
